I’ve spent the majority of the last few weeks holed up in my bedroom, reading books on yoga and wellness, sleeping too much and venturing out of the house only for the occasional medical appointment, prescription refill or fast food fix. It’s been a miserable, depressing existence and I’m tired of it. I want to make changes, live more authentically, quit feeling shitty all the time – but I often feel as though I become so overwhelmed with all of my health issues that I end up just retreating back to the status quo. It’s like my own version of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – when you’re physically miserable, you become consumed with just trying to dull the pain and function well enough to meet your basic needs and get through the day…there’s no time to think about higher functions like life goals and spiritual aspirations. I’ve been living in this kind of “crisis mode” for years now and I want desperately to be able to resolve these problems so that I can move on to the things that really matter…like finding work that has meaning to me, strengthening relationships with family and friends, pursuing hobbies and interests for personal fulfillment. But I can’t get to any of these things because I’m bogged down in all the little details of daily life that are so often almost insurmountably difficult. A routine trip to the grocery store can leave me wiped out for the rest of the day, even something fun like an evening out for dinner and a movie can end in disaster with me curled up on a bathroom floor feeling dizzy and nauseated. Fear of getting sick in public keeps me home much more than I’d like…and even though I want desperately to return to regular full-time work outside of the home, I know that as long as things remain as they are now then that possibility is completely out of the question.
So here I am, trying to figure out how to make the best of the situation. I’m working more these days and even if it is only part-time contract work at home, I feel much better doing something productive with my day. I’m taking better care of myself – trying to be more careful about what I eat and exercising more often. I’m trying to make time for more relaxation and self-care: meditation, yoga, massage therapy, etc. I know that these types of activities can’t totally replace traditional medicine but I do think that they might be just what I need to complement my other treatments…and, after all, what I’ve been doing hasn’t really been helping all that much so it’s certainly time to try something new. I feel hopeful that maybe now I’m on the right track and things will start to improve soon. I’m definitely more than ready for a positive change now.
